I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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