walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
