cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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