..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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