I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
