So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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