I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
