i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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