I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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