Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
