the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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