i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
