My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
