i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Someone came in the potted fern
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
