Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
