woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
