So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
