Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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