butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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