Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I cut my penus on the lid.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is Oprah even human
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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