so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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