as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I didn't notice because vodka
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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