He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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