Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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