Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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