I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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