Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
