Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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