we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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