I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
