this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
