so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
