If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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