You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
