You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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