its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I cannot find my penis.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
