Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
