I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
