that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
