I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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