you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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