Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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