I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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