Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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