At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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