his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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