I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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