Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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