Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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