Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
