I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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