you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
