you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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