Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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