Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
barbara walters just said penis...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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