toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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