Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
