I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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